I never vent out my feelings or emotions in front of anyone except my husband. I thought he is one who should be aware of all my emotions and so should I be for him. Only yesterday while scrolling though a video I saw if we have unresolved emotions which consumes a tremendous amount of our energy then it should be written down .
Hence I chose to write here about my married life experience.
I am an Indian woman married for past two years. It was a love marriage which took a huge amount of convincing, crying, upsetting my parents. We finally married but till this day I say my relatives directly pointing out fingers on me of how I brought disgrace to my family. (I am a Brahmin girl and he is a Baniya). I have been use to hearing this so I ignore it, however it hurts when the same is said to my parents and they have no options than to hear these bitter words. Although they have become supportive but it hurts that they have go through this in their old age just because of me.
I work in an MNC and earn over 1 lac per month which is slightly more than my husband’s monthly salary. This point is important to mention for the series of events happening through my married life.
Initially we were very happy, like extremely happy of achieving what we have been dreaming so far. It felt like living between the stars, I was super proud of my husband and wanted just the best for him.
However slowly and gradually the issues started with my MIL intervening in tits and bits which I ignored due to respect for her. I never ever till date have given any back answer just to maintain her respect. Due to this she has become super dominating over me. My MIL is a professor of Sociology in our hometown while my husband is serving Army and posted remotely. I work in a metro which 12 hrs drive from our hometown.
My company and mangers have been super supportive and every month I take 10–15 days work from home and visit my husband.
My MIL and FIL has huge issues with me working, she expects that I should leave my job and stay with my in-laws. It was shock for me when she said this on different occasions infront of my husband to me . I thought being a working woman she would always support me but she never does. The shocking part was my husband being quiet and never taking a stand for me. We had discussed this while he would be posted remote I would continue my job and meanwhile I have been looking for remote IT jobs very hard. It is not about the money but just like his parents, my parents have gone through a lot just to make me what I am today. I have worked hard to reach somewhere in my career. And I had a lot of respect for my MIL too.
Infact whenever me and my husband are on leaves for say 2–3 weeks, I have never seen my MIL leaving her college for a single day. In fact once she even went on Sunday to be an invigilator for some exams going on. She is so dedicated for her job that she left her kids (my husband and his younger brother) during their childhood days with the maid who use to wash utensils .
Apart from this I have never seen my husband take my stand for a single thing in-front of their parents. I do not expect him to go against his parents but at-least he can speak for me, MIL has become so dominating that a lot of times she has knowingly created differences between me and my husband.
We have a family group which consists of my MIL, FIL, my husband, BIL. There are at least 20–30 Good Morning, Good Night forwarded messages everyday. I respond to some but do not time to read every forwarded message which are way too long. My MIL created a different family group excluding me saying I do not take interest. And everyone started communicating in that group. Nobody questioned her once or told her how bad I might feel if I got to knew this.
Me, my sister and my husband had to return to the same city after my sister’s engagement. This was the plan but somehow when my MIL called my husband on his phone, he went away to talk when only both of us were present in the entire house. I thought something fishy and heard the call recording. She was training her son not to tag along my sister when we come back from engagement. She could have clearly said that but she is so nice in-front of my family, my siblings and at the back she gives such training, the worst part is my husband an educated Army officer did not speak a word, although we did bring our sister with as the car was empty and it was no sense she would board a bus . But at-least he could have the balls to say this in-front of his mother.
There are many instances where my husband becomes complete numb and when I ask him why he never takes stand for me, he says she is above 50 and cannot change her behavior at such age. He is not realizing that this has made him so low in my eyes. He is not able to speak one word in-front his parents.
My MIL always got support from his husband , when her MIL and relatives used to taunt her about her job so I thought she would understand what it means for a women to be independent and make her own identity. But the same lady does thinks likewise in my case. She wants I should leave my job and live with them while both of them would go to work. She never realizes how useless I would feel.
In-fact leave her who just pretends to be very good, my husband for whom I fought with my entire family has no guts to speak. We had made it clear before marriage that I would continue working and would manage our work life balance.
Even somewhere my husband is also not happy with me working , because he always taunts about it. In-fact every little problem between us is due to my job, my family. He feels that his parents are not beating me or doing anything that’s portrayed in old Bollywood movies and I am just making a big deal of everything. For them my job is useless, I can take leaves if and when needed to be present right at the spot, travelling miles, which so far I have managed to be present, lying and making excuses at my workplace.
He expects me to visit his parents every month while he does not even have time to talk to my parents. And I like a obedient wife have been visiting my in-laws every now and then. Since my marriage I have been to my parents house just once.
I have been trying my best to manage my married life by travelling to and fro every month. Also I keep visiting my in-laws. I am not the kind of person who would leave them if they not well. But since both of them are well (touch-wood) and working independently it makes no sense to leave my job to just sit at their home while they are working.
I have decided to speak up for myself, but I am very sure that my husband will not like that as well. I regret my marriage so much that I am not in condition to share any of the above with my parents. I had taken stand for this boy I chose to marry, how should I go back and complain about him. Also they have heard enough because of me, I know they will take it to their heart that even after listening such harsh words from society I am not happy because everything they did was for my happiness.
This is Indian society they want their sons to be successful and reach new heights but still want their daughter in law to sit at home with equal qualifications. I fail to understand why do Indian men marry somebody with an ambition for life. Why don’t they marry someone who could be happy being a slave to their family.
I really hope my husband reads this and think once how much I am hurt, the only person I thought would understand me in this whole wide world.
EDIT :Someone said don’t involve your MIL. Since last 30 years she has been the boss of the house, both the sons and her husband listen to every little thing she says good or bad, nobody opposes her. She thinks everything should be done according to her way and any change in that way pisses her off and she starts crying and gaining sympathy, how can I ignore her. In this day of whatsapp, facebook instagram, she has left no privacy for me. She has forced me through my husband to add her everywhere and then she tells me which pictures to upload or not, I have stopped using these social media accounts just because of her. She expects I should only put pictures with her, and if my whatsapp dp is with my sister or mother, it pisses her off. Like a worm she is controlling my life to this level.
My husband has already complained about me to his parents, of how much I fought with him when his parents asked me to quit my job. And how evil of a person I am. I do not deserve to me a wife of an army officer. And I am sure his parents would have trusted each word said by their son.
As said my MIL showed her true colors and believed each word said by his son, she started shouting at me on Whatsapp, and I brought in the courage myself to answer her back for the first time of which she got offended obviously and blocked me.
Which good mother would not try to resolve issues between her son & daughter-in-law rather than taking sides and accusing the DIL for everything.
Only the daughter in law of the family should be responsible for happiness in the family? Does that goes single handed?
My only hope to survive is through my work, where I am appreciated and respected. I think at-least I was able to achieve something in my life.
Source: Quora, and written by an anonymous author.