For a while, I have been honored to counsel people in some shape or form for about 15 years, and I have observed that quite a number of partners never discussed some key issues or topics before settling down. Some have avoided it deliberately while some are not even aware issues like these should be raised and addressed from the beginning. You sometimes see cases where husband and wife have drastically different ideas on where they’d like to raise a family, career, religion, running a joint account and so much more. Below are some of the topics I personally consider need to be discussed if you and your spouse are serious about each other.
- Debt before and after
Money matter is one of the major things that can cause distrust amongst couples.You must ask the question:who is currently in debt and what is the plan for repayment? Even after settling down, you should not incur a debt that will affect your partner.If it will, please carry him/her along. If there is no transparency in this aspect that union may never have enough trust or stand the test of time.
2. Child bearing and upbringing
Sad to say, not everyone wants children. To some if they never have kids, that can break them, while for others they don’t care if they have kids or not. Do you want them? If so, how many? If not, are you sure about that decision to take permanent steps to ensure you don’t have them (like a vasectomy)? Or tying of tubes? If you do want them, when do you want to have your first? second, third and maybe 12th. I remember I, in the past, always wanted six children. My husband gave me a resounding NO; he wanted only two or maybe even one. Eventually we came to an agreement of two children. As at now, I am considering adoption but he is yet to agree, hopefully soon. Another question to ask is: Are you open to adoption or fertility treatments if you’re unable to conceive naturally? How long do you want to try to conceive naturally before trying different options? Would you be open to surrogacy or other methods of having a child? May be going to an orphanage? This also has to be discussed extensively.
3 . Settling down location
Where would you like to live? And if you don’t want to put roots down and would prefer to stay on the move indefinitely, is it something your partner would be open to? Remember nature of job has to be considered as well. Would you say any location is fine with you? Or you have specific areas you would hate living in? In terms of street, state, country? If you love where you live, what would persuade you to move? Is it more pay? Better job? Children? Proximity to parents or other extended family? School? Easy access to basic amenities? Security?
4. Religion
If you practice a religion or any faith, is it important to you that your partner shares the same faith and practice with you? How does your religion or faith affect your lifestyle or even his/her own? Can either of you tolerate each other’s religion? If you plan to have kids, what religion, if any, do you want to raise them in? Would you mind if none of them goes with your own faith and belief? Would you tolerate them being indoctrinated by another?
5. Plan for your ideal home
Do you want a mansion in Victoria Garden city, Lagos? Or normal 3-bedroom flat in Mushin Lagos? A cozy bungalow in Ikoyi? Or ‘face me I slap you’ in Ajegunle? It may not be so easy to build your own physical home as not everyone ends up becoming a landlord.But knowing whether you and your partner share common goals will help solidify your roles as partners in each other’s lives, showing respect and consideration establishing a common ground confirming that you both are on the same page.